Embracing your inner bad horse

In the Samyuktagama Sutra, volume 33, it is said that there are four kinds of horses: excellent, good, poor, and bad.

The four horses

The best horse will be dexterous and agile; it will obey every command of the jockey. It will stand still when necessary, but also run extremely fast. A good horse will also obey its jockey, but only under the threat of the whip. A poor horse will only obey once the whip hits it, and the worst horse will need to feel the pain in its bones.

In his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Shunryū Suzuki tells us:

When we hear this story, almost all of us want to be the best horse. If it is impossible to be the best one, we want to be the second best (…). When you sit in zazen you will find out whether you are one of the best horses or one of the worst ones. Shunryū Suzuki

In this analogy, the horse represents life and a person’s skills. We are generally conditioned to judge others and ourselves. Perhaps more importantly, we judge ourselves by comparing ourselves with others. This is what social media is all about: constant comparison with others. And the fact is, there will almost always be someone who is richer, smarter, or fitter than you, or who has a better job or a more supportive family. You will never be remarkable. You will never be the best at anything because, statistically speaking, it is nearly impossible¹.

Shunryū Suzuki proposes that the worst horse might be the best one:

In your very imperfections, you will find the basis for your firm, way-seeking mind. Those who can sit perfectly physically usually take more time to obtain the true way of Zen, the actual feeling of Zen, the marrow of Zen. But those who find great difficulties in practicing Zen will find more meaning in it. Shunryū Suzuki

We say, “A good father is not a good father”. Do you understand? One who thinks he is a good father is not a good father; one who thinks he is a good husband is not a good husband. One who thinks he is one of the worst husbands may be a good one if he is always trying to be a good husband with a single-hearted effort. Shunryū Suzuki

There are a few ideas in this chapter that I find interesting:

• Sometimes “good enough” is good enough.
• Harshly judging yourself is not self-improvement; in fact, it can discourage you from facing difficult situations.
• There is good in bad, and there is bad in good. Arrogance and self-deprecation may not be as different as you think!
• Every glorious end has miserable beginnings. Behind every success lie a thousand failures.
• You can leverage perfectionism to perfect your stance and your practice by letting go of early judgement.
• Words that predate action might confuse you into believing that words and actions are the same. The less you judge, the less you say, and the more you do, the closer you will get to your goals.

I really like this book as a whole, but this chapter specifically speaks to me.

As someone who has long struggled with perfectionism, I have also frequently dismissed the things I need to do out of an abstract fear of inadequacy or of being unable to meet the imaginary standards I set for myself.

Avoiding disappointment

When you fear disappointing a partner and act pre-emptively to avoid it, you are not actually avoiding disappointment. You are creating an image of them in your head and projecting your insecurities and beliefs onto them. You then delude yourself into thinking that image and the real person are the same, but they are not.

The same goes for any other situation where you construct an imaginary persona to mimic someone else. Actually, people are incredibly complex, and just because you think you know someone doesn’t mean you fully know them. It doesn’t mean there aren’t things this person doesn’t want you to know or learn about them.

Improvement, introspection, and self-development are all desirable and necessary, but none are possible without a clear mind.

And when I said “any other situation where you construct an imaginary persona”, I was also referring to you. Are you really yourself, or is the image of yourself merely a reflection of what others tell you about yourself?

Are you being honest with and loving toward yourself, or are you living life through echoes of what other people say about you?

If you enjoyed this, I must sincerely encourage you to read the book. Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind is possibly one of the most approachable books I’ve ever read regarding Zen Buddhism. However, it is also slightly deceptive: it is easy to blast through each page thinking that you understand every concept. As you read it over and over, though, you start to realise how many layers the book and Zen Buddhism itself contain. The book is very cleverly and elegantly written, but please don’t let that cause you to dismiss it as an abstract piece of literature. Suzuki is clearly a highly intelligent man, and he is able to convey very complex topics in simple ways through analogies and parallels with real life.

The book also explains core Buddhist concepts such as Nondualism that can only be understood through first-hand practice and focus.